At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize