I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
