You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
