What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dear god my vagina.
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