and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
