if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
