Little spoons don't ask big questions
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
