Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
