Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
