"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
