closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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