i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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