hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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