We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I touched a dick in church today
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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