im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Found your dick twin last night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize