im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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