I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
