turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
