i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
