she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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