Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
