I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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