quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
FUCK WHALES
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
