The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Randomize
