Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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