OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
