Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize