I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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