did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
