Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
where are you?
Hypothermia
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
