Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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