Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
