it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
