i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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