We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
