someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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