We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
