We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
