My room smells like vodka and shame
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You were trust falling into bushes
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
