Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
