maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We just shotgunned beers for America
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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