What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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