He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
