mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
