mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
