Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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