Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
