grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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