i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
