I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
