If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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