I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
