dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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