If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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