dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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