Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
