proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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